The Date Application Form

Your name: Amanda M-T

Your age: 22

Your sex: Female (This is non-negotiable. Sorry.)

Your occupation: Student

Where are you from?: Florida

Where do you live now?: Washington

Highest level of education completed/currently working towards:
high school diploma
high school equivalency (GED)
associates degree
>>bachelors degree
master’s degree
MBA/JD
Ph.D./MD/DMD
I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day
Jay Truck Driving School
what’s edumacation?
“When I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!”

How did you find this page?:
>>Accidentally
Yahoo/Google
A friend told me
An enemy told me
You told me about your stupid page
I can smell your desperation from here
A scorching case of herpes led me here
God hates me
Blind hogs eventually find acorns
“I fell off the jungle gym and woke up in here.”

Why are you filling out this form?:
I want to ask you out. HA!
No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out
>>I don’t want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop
I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you
I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill
This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair
It’s either this or jail time
This is helping me stop masturbating so much
I hate your fucking guts
“It says ‘I choo-choo-choose you,’ and it has a picture of a train.”

Why do you think you want to go out on a date with me?:
Because I want to go on a date with you.
Do I need a reason? Isn’t is axiomatic?
I want to hitch my wagon to your star, and this is Step 1.
You seem interesting
I think you’d be fun to get drunk with
>>I want to end up in one of your stories or future books
I feel strangely attracted to you
I hate myself
I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me
I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self
I want to give my VD to someone else before I die
No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit
“Which one is oral?”

What is it that you find most attractive about me?:
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your cute face and hot body
Your caustic wit and ambitious verve
Your constant use of foul, discourteous language
The way you show no regard for the feelings of others
The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth
You make me laugh
>>Your single-minded obsession with all things Tucker
I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up
I don’t like myself, and I’m hoping you’ll treat me like a used-up stripper
Everything
“You’re deceptive.”

When would you like to go out with me?:
Whenever
When you are available
Hey, we’re on my schedule here, Date Boy
When your heart stops
As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg
When I get over my herpes and pink eye
After I suck off a Great Dane
How about never? Is never good for you?
>>“This is my sandbox, but I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your physical attractiveness?:
I’m not very attractive
I’m cute
I’m cute enough for you, assface
I’m hot
>>If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you’ll LOVE me
I’m a butter face
I’m a Chicago girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass…and don’t email me pissed about this. You don’t think that 80% of cute women in Chicago fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in Chicago. If he’s honest, he’ll tell you the same thing. I blame the long winters. Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)
The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by
No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY
“Daddy says I’m ‘this close’ to living in the yard!”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your intelligence?:
I can read enough to answer this
I’m average
I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes
>>I’m a fucking genius
I can bend things with my mind
I’m dumber than week-old bat shit
Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else? Have you seen your webpage, idiot?
I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!
“Me fail English? That’s unpossible.”

How would you rate yourself in terms of your emotional maturity and stability?:
I’m about average
I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone
I’m very emotionally stable
I am a rock
I’m loonier than a shit-house rat
I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out
>>The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble
Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts
Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?
They mostly come at night. Mostly
“That’s where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.”

What is your most defining feature or characteristic?:
My beautiful eyes
My sharp wit
My compassionate nature
My incredible intelligence
My huge breasts
I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl
My cottage cheese thighs
My sphincter can break a beer bottle
My matted pubic hair
My charming autism
My colostomy bag
>>My willingness to use sex to get what I want
My perfect landing strip
“The tar fumes are making me dizzy.”

What would you expect me to bring?:
Cheap flowers
Expensive champagne
Your A+ game
I like shiny things
A unquenchable libido
Astroglide
A shoehorn
Amniotic dysentery
A small, hairless Asian boy
Your enema bag collection
“And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.”

>>Liquor

What will I do when I see you?:
smile
drool
start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”
>>pretend you’re not Tucker Max
feign epilepsy
vomit uncontrollably
curse the anonymity of the Internet
run like a track star
run like a crack fiend
“I can’t breathe good and it’s making me sleepy.”

What will my friends say when they see you?:
“Wow, Tucker’s really lucky. I wish I was him.”
“Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem–he’s getting laid tonight.”
“She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.”
“Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.”
“My Lord–she smells like the fish market.”
“Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”
“I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.”
“Oh shit…somebody call 911.”
>>“She’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him.”
“She’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack she cost him.”
“Should have been a blow job.”
“Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”
“Look at her…did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”
“Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”

Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?
“Daddy, I’m scared, too scared to even wet my pants.”

What should I wear?:
Something that says “derelict frat boy,” like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat
Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”, like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie
Something that says “I’m Euro-trash, but at least I look good,” like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt
Something that says “I ain’t got me no money,” like a burlap sack
Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater
Something that says “ethnic,” like a dashiki and a fez
Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt
Something that says “ghetto fabulous,” like a Fubu jersey and Karl Kani jeans
Something that says “retro Miami Vice,” like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit
Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a mechanic’s shirt
>>Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts
Something that says “hip Militia Man”, like a Patagonia fleece over Kevlar body armor
Whatever you have that’s clean
Surprise me
Nothing at all
“Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.”

What will we do on our first date?:
Go to dinner and a movie
>>Mock those less fortunate than us
Argue, yell and possibly even fight
Fuck. What else would we do?
Try to cripple children
Go to a gentlemen’s club and try and pick up a stripper
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk
Go to a gun range
Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk and go to a gun range with a stripper we picked up at a gentlemen’s club (…my personal choice)
Felch each other (…decidedly not my choice)
All of the above
None of the above
Some strange combination of the above
“Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren’t around and I’m not allowed to turn on the stove.”

What type of food will we eat, assuming we go to dinner?:
Italian
Chinese
American
Southwestern
Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)
Light post-coital snack
Chick-fil-a
>>Who needs to eat if liquor is available?
I don’t eat–I’m a smack addict
Whatever we find in the dumpster
Nothing, I’m already too fat as it is
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

What will we drink? (we will be drinking…or at least I’ll be drinking):
champagne
beer
>>liquor
fine malt liquor
wine
wine in a box
fine apple wine
whatever is cheapest
whatever we can steal from homeless people
whatever we can make in your bathtub
I prefer hard drugs, thank you
“They taste like…burning!”

How much does it take to get you drunk?:
The smell of alcohol
A few beers
A few glasses of wine
A six-pack
A six-pack of Ripple
I can out drink a Wahoo
>>I can out drink an Irish Catholic
Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.
“My parent’s won’t let me use scissors.”

What will we talk about on our date?:
Me
You
Sex
Sex in public places
Butt sex
The sexual foibles of ex’s
The etiquette of group sex
>>What that slut at the next table is wearing
How our parents fucked us up beyond all repair
How much everyone around us sucks
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory
The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex
The Iron Chef
Whether or not Scooby Doo is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use
This web page
Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism
Herman Melville’s use of metaphor
Ron Jeremy’s use of irony
Lots of different things
“Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that’s why it was the best summer ever.”

I should compliment you by saying:
“You have incredible eyes.”
“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”
“You are a very cool person.”
“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not…”
“You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”
“If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”
“You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”
“Good lord…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”
“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”
“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”
“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”
>>“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”
“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”
“Can I pee on you?”
“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”
“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”
“Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.”

Finish this sentence: “I like a man that…
respects me.”
worships me.”
deifies me.”
>>likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye.”
treats me like shit.” (be honest…)
likes to hurt small animals.”
has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”
is uglier than me.”
is uglier than Lyle Lovett.”
is dumber than me.”
is dumber than Dan Quayle.”
makes toy cars out of his poop.”
won’t make fun of my club foot.”
“You look like my mommy after she drinks her box of wine.”

What will we do after dinner?:
Have coffee and dessert
Run out on the bill
Go dancing
>>Go to hell
Have a long and meaningful conversation
Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table
Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle
Point out each others shortcomings (my personal choice)
Groping and pawing
Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!
“Help! She’s touching my special area!”

How will the date end?:
Unpleasantly
An awkward silence
A noncommital hug
A sweet, tender kiss
Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex
Us planning for another date
Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put on your website
Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch
Me calling the cops to get you out of my house
You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch
A nonspecific burning sensation
>>One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces
“Oh boy sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!”

If you made it this far, I’m sure you have something to say. If you want me to email you back, you need to write something here. Preferably something funny, intelligent, witty, etc.:

BONUS QUESTION:
>The last option in every category is a quote from a famous television character. Name this character, and you will receive the fame and adoration of the people.
His name: n/a

WARNING: This topic is sensitive and might easily offend readers. Please be cautious.

Yesterday when I was at the doctor having blood draw I started thinking about suicide. Not for me personally, but the general topic of it.

People that commit suicide are thought to be selfish and mentally ill. I clearly understand the selfish part – having seen the way that suicide can impact people – it does a considerable amount of harm to those around you. There are times when suicide is done selfishly and when it done to purposefully hurt others – that I don’t agree with.

What I don’t quite grasp is the aspect that people who do this are mentally ill or crazy. Depression is a condition.

I suppose my point is, at least people who commit suicide are doing something with their life. They’re making a life altering decision. They are choosing something that will change their life – most people go their entire lives without making a choice that will have anywhere near the same impact.

Yes this is a morbid way of thinking … but I feel that is a valid one.

I’ve only been around for a little over 22 years now. Subtract the amount of time where I was intellectually and socially  inept, so about 15 years. So approximately seven years of my life I have understood at least somewhat what love might feel like?

To be clear I am using Romeo & Juliet as a basis here as she was 13, and I’ve given myself two whole more years… I feel that leniency is necessary based on historical events that have changed the way modern people think compared to those of that time period.

Other then Gorgeous and the family members I have loved, I truly loved very few people. It is even less people in a romantic sense – a love that extends beyond friendship.

The initial images of these two people is easy. One became lost and turned bad. The other has remained good their entire existence and knows no other life. It’s the cliche story plot.

Except I don’t end up with either one, because this is real life.

I am not self loathing enough for the bad and I am not gentle enough for good. Like most, I stand somewhere in the middle, alone.

… and I prefer it.

This Died,

For This…

Purchase Immediately

Check out the new video I’m in! Making this video was some of the most fun I’ve had on set! M’CHEL BAUXAL did my make up (http://www.bauxal.net/), she is amazing. The other girl in the video. Tatiana (I’m not sure on the spelling) “Taty” the other girl in the video is so adorable and sweet too!

>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb4NM09lnJQ

I had just copied and pasted a 2009 recap survey and I was stuck on the first question, “Drinking Buddy of the Year”. I don’t know about anyone else but this is hardly an easy question for me to answer. There have been so many amazing people that I have enjoyed a friendly beverage with this year that I surely cannot name only one.

1. Danny Motherfuckin’ Gutz: Are there even words to describe the many ways that I love enjoying shots with you? If you were green eggs and ham, I would eat them with you anywhere. In a box, with a fox, in a plane, on a train …

2. Josh “Drunk Hands” Stainbrook: How many nights have we spent sleeping in the car at an unknown location, unsure of how we arrived at such a place? Me blacking out before 10 p.m. at Kells, flossing my teeth at Shanghai … Beer pong that resulted in you passing out in your faux potted plant. Switching cars after you’ve chased me down an uninhabited country road only to be approached by the police? I love you man.

[I love the tripod: "Under the sheets, under the sheets! Down where it's wetter, down where it's better, Josh took it from me!"]

3. Jordan “J-ROCK” Purdom: Over the years we’re shared so many noteworthy adventures that it’s unfair to try and list them below because I wouldn’t want to miss a single one. Let me just recap the most recent epic adventures then? Giant ducks, Pimp Shorts and random drunk men getting into your car … I believe like our sims, our friendship will last for years to come. You running around shirtless, burning man n’ cheese and dancing. Me angrily reading the paper and being cheered up by your dancing and then us switching beds.

4. Jessi “Alkie” Alfiere: Throwing up down our own shirts, passing out in the car, texting on cell phones that were long since lost in bars we don’t remember going too? Drinking with your parents and watching your mom be hit on more then we could ever dream of … I love you, even though you have disgusting taste in alcohol and run towards large fires when left unattended. Here’s to me wearing the only shirt you told me not wear, an ode to those days of drinking in the barn and practicing our shot taking skills with diet coke.

5. Shannon “Brynn” My last name doesn’t matter: I’m so glad we met! I knew from the first time I saw met you that you were fantastic and way too cool to be hanging out with Jake. You’ve introduced me to dresses and make up … that there is a world outside of jeans and flip flops. You’ve showed me the evils of high heels and you understand entirely my love of vodka. I will never cease to be amazed by your create pre-game skills and never ending search for low calorie vodka delights!

6. Michael Watts (Previously: Mike Fucking Watts): One of my true and most dear drinking friends. As you realize what it means to grow up, I find myself wanting to follow in your manly shoes with my equally large girl feet and hopefully live up to the excitement you have so often told me about. Making spectacles of ourselves will never get old with us, cheers! To the days of Samsgiving, and hot tubs not sanitary for any human or amoeba alike!

7. Chris “Tucker Max” Crismon: How I have been the downfall of your wholesome existence. From the small young boy I met in Boy Scouts to the handsome, dashing young man you have become. Beer pong and keg stands … keeping it classy is just our style. You’re the ultimate boy for going out and drinking with.

8.. Michael “Daddy” Tully: I could not complete this list without having my father on here. Whether I’m drunkenly petting your face as Danny and Josh flee the parking lot of you’re shoving me money to leave the table so you can hang out with Danny and Josh … I love you.

… Now if you were not on this list it is not because I do not love you, or that I do not love to drink with you. It’s simply that I either had so much fun with you that I don’t even recall our times together or that we haven’t had as many good times as I wish we would of had …

My mom is always sending me funny little forwards … well this has to be my favorite

Veto Kitty

Veto is a small black cat with white whiskers. She has big yellow eyes and little white gloves on all of her feet. She’s about two years old. Veto is an elitist. She doesn’t really like our other cats, Nash Bridges, Sweet-heart and Sweetie-pi. She wrestles with Nash but for the most part ignore all members of the family except for me.

This is Obie!

Obis is four years old and around 14 to 15 pounds. He’s an orange tabby that I adopted from the Humane Society and his giant golden eyes are almost too big for his body. Obie was until recently banished by the other cats to one area of the house – my dad’s office. The second day of living here he peed on my feet (while I was laying bed) and after screaming and asking why he would do such a thing we sort of had a falling out. It’s been a few months now, and the girls are getting used to him. Sometimes they still stand at the entrance of the laundry room so he can’t go in to use the cat box, or if he makes eye contact with them they’ll smack him across the face … but things have definitely improved.

My room for the most part is Veto’s territory. Dillon’s room is for Sweet-heart. She loves him possibly more then life itself. She’ll wait for him to come in, to go to bed … she just waits and stares at him. It’s gotten to the point that sometimes he won’t let her in there because she creeps him out. Sweet heart is a pale calico with grays, browns and whites.

Nash Bridges usually lurks in my parents room or the living room. She’s a giant fluffy blonde cat with green eyes. She’s like the Marilyn Monroe of cats. Her favorite thing to do is watch bugs and t.v. She’s oddly observant and will stare for hours at small bugs. The best way to find out if there is a bug in the house is to watch Nash. She won’t eat it, or do anything … she’ll just watch it.

Sweetie-Pi is Sweet heart and Nash’s mom. She hates them both. She basically hates everyone. When she was a baby she was taken away from her mother too soon so we can only imagine this psychologically damaged her young soul. Sweetie-Pi’s about, 13 years old now? She’s become nicer with age, at least to people.

So I’m laying here uploading Sims 3 onto my MAC and Obie comes in and lays on my bed. This is all well and good until Veto walks in. Immediately I see the look of betrayal in her eyes. She stops after taking only a few steps into my room. She turns and looks at herself in my floor length mirror, she looks back to me, then to Obie. She walks over, waiting for me to kick Obie out. I don’t. I tell her she needs to share, and I tell Obie that he needs to be nice. He moves from up near my chest to down by my feet. I pick Veto up and set her besides me. She screams and hisses and kicks at me. She jumps off the bed and stands, facing away from me.

Odds are, she’ll probably throw up on my face while I sleep… fml.

5 words. 5 photos.

Humorous

Competitive

Amorous

Lustful

Dramatic

Target has Gingerbread kits for sale for $8. This is the basic “Build a Gingerbread house”. Obviously I failed. It’s more like the Gingerbread crack den