You know how you have the best dream ever and then you go back to sleep in hopes that it will continue? I did that and it turned into the worst dream ever and was not at all related to the previous dream.

Best Dream Ever:

I walk into a modern office building. Everything is chrome and gray and white. Most people would find it unnerving. I think it’s soothing. It’s my first day at a new job. I walk upstairs, my first task is a meeting. I sit down at the table. I have a pen and paper out. I debate on setting up my Mac but seeing no one else with a computer I decide against it. There are cups of coffee in front of everyone. I drink a bit. I feel my eyes widen. I never drink coffee.

Right then the boss walks in. Steve Carell walks in. He sits down, surveys the room. I have my pen poised to write whatever he says down. He glances around. By this point I have consumed about half of my coffee – I don’t know how.

“Whose going to get me more coffee?” he asks.

Without a second though I leap from the table, coffee mug in hand and I begin running. I’m not sure where I am running but suddenly the building is huge and I am running – never spilling any coffee. I am laughing and smiling as I run with the coffee. Steve Carell bounds after me, asking why I’m running. We laugh – we don’t know. We keep running, the office turns into a large mountain and we run through fields of flowers and happiness. Once away from the office he asks why I was running – I tell him he said he needed more coffee – I was going to get it for him. He laughs, I laugh.

[All right, I can see how this may not seem like the best dream ever... but I was so happy! I was just filled with joy. Hmmm.]

Worst Dream Ever:

Steve is gone. I am alone on the mountain. It’s deserted and dry. I’m wearing only underwear and my Halo shirt. I don’t know where I am or why I’m there. Suddenly I’m in a large house, a bathroom is just ahead of me. I go inside, I look like a train wreck. I don’t want to use the shower – this isn’t my house. I see a wash cloth – the most perfectly folded one I’ve ever seen. I debate using it. It’s perfect. I decide to wash my face, it’s hard to get the dirt and caked make up off. Then people start filling the bathroom. I ask who they are – they don’t answer. It’s like I don’t exist.

[I wake up ... then fall back asleep]

I’m at my ex boyfriend’s house. Sort of. No one is home. I’m still wearing the underwear and Halo shirt. I don’t know how I got there or why I’m there. I’m wearing socks. I skate through the house on the wood floors, I see his dog. I smile – I like her.

I see the bathroom is occupied – I want to get dressed. I have a pile of clothes in my purse. I don’t want to go into any rooms. I manage to put on shorts and another shirt. His dad walks out, followed by his mom. They tell me I broke their ping pong table and that I am ungrateful and an awful person. Their son gave up so much for me. I should be grateful. I try to run away. I’m so confused. I run outside. I see my car, at least what I assume is my car. I want to get in but the car is wrecked. I adjust the seat and get inside. I have a choice – up or down the mountain. I go down – I want to get away.

A huge train of motorcycles passes me, flashing their brights. I have on mine and I didn’t know it. I pull over and ask for help working my lights. I’m hungry – starving. Then I see my brother, he’s injured. I scream and run to him – he needs a hospital. I ask him where one is. He says across the mountain side in the small ghost town. I say I will take him there – he says no, he has to stay for the battle. Right then a giant red robot appears and begins to crush everything. People are screaming. I tell my brother nothing bad with happen. I use myself as a shield to protect him – the robot is going to kill us. Then a giant spider appears. She uses her web to subdue the robot.

[I wake up again]

Honestly, I think I need to stop … hell, none of this even makes sense. If I were dreaming about something normal then maybe I could be like “Oh too much sugar for me” or something along those lines…

Good news, I don’t like any songs by the Jonas Brothers. I was very worried for a few hours this afternoon. Luckily it’s by some band called, Owl City.

Then again … at least the Jonas Brothers are Jewish…?

[Basically I am going to have to write this one off as a complete and utter fail]

In other news,  I was discussing today the trashiest Disney kids. Here’s my top 5:

1. Lindsey Lohan

2. Vanessa Hudgens

3. Miley Cyrus

4. Noah Cyrus

5. This one’s hard … so I’ll make it interactive! Which one do you think is most trashy?

My friend Chris and I:

Tucker Max and Miss Vermont:

Chris has decided to be Officer Dangle from Reno 911. He has even gone as far to procure handcuffs and a stun gun. This is awesome.

…but will it ensure him getting laid on Halloween? Or at least free drinks and phone numbers?

Surely.

…as many as if he has a name tag that says, “Hello my name is Tucker Max” and is surrounded by drunk girls?

Not even close.

]]> http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/28/tucker-chris-gets-lucky/feed/ 1 missvodkausa http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/love-%e2%89%a0-lust/ http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/27/love-%e2%89%a0-lust/#comments Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:56:07 +0000 missvodkausa http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/?p=548 ]]>

“small talk“ is that socially awkward yet required conversation before someone discloses their true intentions.

IE:

Boy: Hey there. Nice weather we’re having

Girl: Yep. It’s nice. I like the sun.

Boy: So… all this nice weather makes me want to go for a walk. Wanna join me?

Girl: Okay

Of course what are the true motives behind this conversation? Sex. The boy wants to have sex with the girl. That’s all there is too it. He can’t even help it.

That’s why I don’t understand this whole ritualistic form of “dating”. It’s basically a dowry, except you aren’t paying the parents … in most cases. You take a girl to dinner, to the movies, for a walk in the park. Then after a few “dates” you establish whether or not the pair of you are compatible (do you have the same interests? likes and dislikes? opinions in religion and politics.) If you decide in favor of this, you will continue to see each other.

Of course social norms dictate that there are rules to dating and if they are not followed a successful relationship may not ensue. Do you kiss on the first or second date? Do you wait longer?

Dating is a game of cat and mouse. It’s foolishness that could easily be avoided if both parties merely stated their intentions. This conversation could be accomplished in the same amount of time as the example given above.

IE:

Boy: I find you physically attractive and I potentially want to have to sexual relations with you.

Basically you only need one sentence in which to state your intentions in a clear and honest way.

In short, dating is not necessary for any reason, other then fulfilling society’s need for close minded tradition that promoted monogamy.

*This scenario also works when you switch gender roles. Females are entirely capable of being the dominant pursuer

Sorry Playboy, there’s a new house in town. Barbie’s real life Malibu Mansion.

The house was designed earlier this year to celebrate 50 years of Barbie … and of course to try and boost sales.

Despite harsh competition with Bratz dolls, Barbie continues to be the best selling toy worldwide. Of course if a material world, having over-all sales isn’t ever good enough.

Set for release later this year is a newly remade Barbie that is sure to delight the souls of young girls nationwide. A flexible Barbie!

Wait … I had a Barbie that did that back when I was like, I don’t know … six? This isn’t new at all.

Then again, if corporations thought of new ideas we wouldn’t have all those lame Disney sequels that go straight to DVD.

So what’s really different about this doll? I have no idea … sure she has 12 joints (Bratz will soon be released with 14 – ouch.) and new clothes … but what will really set this Barbie apart from her competitors?

Probably nothing … but hey, at Barbie will always be skinny, hot and never need a man to feel validated in life. Talk about a role model. Sign me up.

And to all the Barbie haters out there… I’m sorry you’re ugly.

In most, if not all public schools, abstinence is the only form of sexual education provided. It is feared that any form of safe-sex teaching will encourage young teens to engage in pre-marital sex.

Now I will be the first to  admit I am not savvy in the knowledge of viewing of pornographic films. Having viewed very few (less then five), one of those that I have been privy too, I can honestly say that it portrayed the idea of sex in such a way that I began to dry heave at the general sight. I was unable to stop until the video has been removed from the screen and I was able to drink a glass of water and take a few deep cleansing breaths.

Taking this into account, I believe it is fair to say that rather then criticizing the porn industry and hiding it from our children we should embrace it. Instead, encourage your children to view such videos. Surely the explicit images are no worse then that of today’s realistic and graphic video games and will without a doubt deter teens from wanting to engage in such revolting and socially unbecoming behavior.

A simple Google search will provide such a plethora of adult films both professional and personal that after viewing one or two a day for a month straight I believe 99% of teens would become violently ill from even the concept of sex.

If this is too shocking an idea for you, perhaps try posting large pictures of sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs) all around your home will have similar results.

crazy? crazy! i was crazy once,

they put me in a rubber room, i bounced off the walls…

i died there,

they buried me,

and worms crawled out my nose!

crazy? crazy! i was crazy once,

Cleavage is a powerful tool. It can be used for good or bad.

Good – Getting free drinks

Bad – Smothering people

Good – They protect my rib cage

Bad – Being groped

Basically there is no reason to have boobs. Yes yes, there’s whole feeding your young thing. I don’t have young. I don’t know if I ever plan to have young. So, what are they good for?

I am constantly battling with myself with my cleavage. It’s a love hate relationship that never ends.

In the end, it really comes down to the fact that I would probably complain if I didn’t have them. I used too … like freshman year when Brad would call me A-cup.

C’mon, people pay lots of money for these things … I thought about it when I was younger. That I might get implants if they never grew. Now that would have been a wasted investment.

http://www.savethetatas.com/

]]> http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/11/real-subtle-my-friend/feed/ 0 missvodkausa http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/10/russian-water/ http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/2009/10/10/russian-water/#comments Sun, 11 Oct 2009 02:23:59 +0000 missvodkausa http://missvodkausa.wordpress.com/?p=517 ]]>

Last night I was in a music video for Bardia. We filmed out in Beaverton in this fantastically over-done house. I also met Russian born singer, Tatiana. She’s freaking gorgeous.

Oh god, I also had my hair and makeup done by M’CHEL BAUXAL. She’s freaking amazing.

After that Shannon and I met up for a girls night – you can’t waste hair and makeup like that. Last night, it must have been the large hair (and not the slinky red cocktail dress) that provided Shannon and I with endless drinks and even the possession of some drunk guy’s debit card. He was like “Get whatever” and went to the bathroom and I was like, WHAT THE HELL? Who does that?! Which after we each got a drink with it, we left it with the bartender. Seriously the guy must have been so smashed – I hope he realized how stupid he was today when he probably woke up and freaked. I hope that if I ever got that drunk someone would do the same for me… probably not – people are evil. But still… Honestly, it was just the craziest thing I’ve ever been witness too.

Oh – and I finally managed to pull of pretending to be someone else. Or the whole, giving a fake name. This will work as long as I never want to see the people again … which odds are I don’t. Besides, how many drunk guys are going to remember anyway?

On that note, my name is Brooke Leyva. My room mate is Brynn. No last name. She’s too cool for that. We live downtown in the pearl. We also don’t dance with boys.

In other news … it’s time to get ready for a repeat.

I was never a little girl that planned out her wedding when she was young. Instead I would parade around the house shouting “I’m the Queen!” wearing my grandmother’s fur coats and night gowns.

Marriage to me is purely optional. You know, like picking accessories on a car. AC? Must. Giant stereo … eh? I don’t need to over-compensate for anything.

So despite my near slip up when I was 18 and foolish, marriage is hardly something that would be an issue in my life.

Thus to prevent any sort of foolish and unethical decisions in the future, I have compiled a list of must haves … should the idea of marriage ever sound even remotely appealing.

This list will be open to additions, though no exceptions should be made in lessening the qualifications.

1. A large engagement ring is a must. Love can only be showed in karats. Upgrades are entirely welcome, though the initial ring must match standards no less then Harry Winston.

2. The wedding band should be platinum (matching the engagement ring) and should be understated and simple. The engagement ring should contain the bulk of the weight.

3. A fall wedding outside is a must. Churches are so over-rated and overdone. Unless, it’s in a Gothic cathedral, of which none in the US will suffice. Leaves will cover the ground and trees will be barren. It will be evening.

4. A live orchestra is a must have. Nothing huge, but there will be no passe DJs or wedding singers.

5. I will not wear a white wedding dress. It’s cliche and comical. Something along the lines of the dress on the left will be perfect. The undergarments shown on the left will not resemble anything remotely close to what I will be wearing.

6. These rules shall only be broken for a few select men (three) that I know at this point in my life. Feel free to inquire if you are one of them, odds are if you have to ask – you aren’t on the list.