TuckerChris gets “lucky”? [Cont.]

Follow up to Halloween and Tucker Max.

Chris decided to give it a try – why not try being Tucker Max? Well – it worked. Ironically more males then females tended to like this costume. Chris was asked to take photos with people, he was high fived and random men bought him drinks.

Chris & I

Chris & Shannon

The Three of us

an homage

Shannon’s leg

My leg

The three of us plan to go out this weekend. Perhaps further exploiting the name, Tucker Max. To be honest, I’m not sure who likes it more … Shannon or me?

…salad fingers?

I love the ability to lock text messages on my phone. My dear friend Shannon told me recently that I will probably run out of space in my inbox if I continue at my current rate of … locking them. I will now share with you the truly gorgeous and rare gems that have graced my inbox. << I have corrected spelling on a few of these and added capitalization. Otherwise these remain as they are in my phone.

: Yes. the 30th. And no my dear, it is not. I might make drunken bears. Half gallon of rum or vodka poured into a tub of gummy bears, mixed with juice concentrate. Over a span of about a week, they soak it up and fuck your soup up upon consumption. Genious!

:Nick told me that he was bi yesterday and I didn’t believe him. I made him say it like twenty times. Then it was kinda awkward. Then I asked him how I looked.

:Hahaha. I’m picturing the waving arms, like something yoshi would do just before plummeting down a pipe. Butt raping? That does not seem like appropriate dinner procedures. Or it might be somne kinky dinner fantasty thing going on. Whateves…

:Hahaha. Probably encircle the terrorbeast. Safety in numbers. Like the elephants do. Drunk, wasted, 45 year old gross douche in a way too tight Affliction shirt, elephants.

:Just saw a kid run past a car, just as someone inside opened the door. Knocked the kid flat on his ass. I told him he took the hit like a champ.

:I don’t know! All of a sudden someone said “Heil Hitler” in a German accent and at first I was like, “GRANDMA?” and then it was some trick or treater.

:Good. I like wearing slaughtered baby animals on my feet.

:One of your friends did some weird message thing on the bottom so I signed off the chat thing and didn’t look to see what he said for fear of learning you murdered someone with your pantlessness.

:You always did use a lot of ‘H’ when it didn’t belong…

:I have to go shoot myself in the throat from depression.

:That’s gayer than 5 guys fucking 6.

:Hahaha. Well don’t drinkj the water or eat spaghetti in Mexico, don’t fling coins at strippers in (Canada), don’t die of heat in the Caribbean, don’t yell at French people in English and definitely don’t give money to gypsies in Italy, and always have an umbrella in England.

So this brings us to today’s text message. I feel like this text is the giant blue diamond that Abu touches in the Cave of Wonders that then brings it crashing down trying to kill poor Aladdin. Greedy monkey…

:I want to butter bill clinton like a biscuit and take a bite.

Speaking of food. I am not going to finish consuming my pizza from dinner last night. Entitled a Greek pizza. It’s really nothing more in then feta cheese on tasty crunchy bread. There were tomatoes and spinach and olives… but I hate tomatoes and I really can’t taste the other two things.

*Uggs kill the entire sheep to make their shoes.

dreams in digital

You know how you have the best dream ever and then you go back to sleep in hopes that it will continue? I did that and it turned into the worst dream ever and was not at all related to the previous dream.

Best Dream Ever:

I walk into a modern office building. Everything is chrome and gray and white. Most people would find it unnerving. I think it’s soothing. It’s my first day at a new job. I walk upstairs, my first task is a meeting. I sit down at the table. I have a pen and paper out. I debate on setting up my Mac but seeing no one else with a computer I decide against it. There are cups of coffee in front of everyone. I drink a bit. I feel my eyes widen. I never drink coffee.

Right then the boss walks in. Steve Carell walks in. He sits down, surveys the room. I have my pen poised to write whatever he says down. He glances around. By this point I have consumed about half of my coffee – I don’t know how.

“Whose going to get me more coffee?” he asks.

Without a second though I leap from the table, coffee mug in hand and I begin running. I’m not sure where I am running but suddenly the building is huge and I am running – never spilling any coffee. I am laughing and smiling as I run with the coffee. Steve Carell bounds after me, asking why I’m running. We laugh – we don’t know. We keep running, the office turns into a large mountain and we run through fields of flowers and happiness. Once away from the office he asks why I was running – I tell him he said he needed more coffee – I was going to get it for him. He laughs, I laugh.

[All right, I can see how this may not seem like the best dream ever... but I was so happy! I was just filled with joy. Hmmm.]

Worst Dream Ever:

Steve is gone. I am alone on the mountain. It’s deserted and dry. I’m wearing only underwear and my Halo shirt. I don’t know where I am or why I’m there. Suddenly I’m in a large house, a bathroom is just ahead of me. I go inside, I look like a train wreck. I don’t want to use the shower – this isn’t my house. I see a wash cloth – the most perfectly folded one I’ve ever seen. I debate using it. It’s perfect. I decide to wash my face, it’s hard to get the dirt and caked make up off. Then people start filling the bathroom. I ask who they are – they don’t answer. It’s like I don’t exist.

[I wake up ... then fall back asleep]

I’m at my ex boyfriend’s house. Sort of. No one is home. I’m still wearing the underwear and Halo shirt. I don’t know how I got there or why I’m there. I’m wearing socks. I skate through the house on the wood floors, I see his dog. I smile – I like her.

I see the bathroom is occupied – I want to get dressed. I have a pile of clothes in my purse. I don’t want to go into any rooms. I manage to put on shorts and another shirt. His dad walks out, followed by his mom. They tell me I broke their ping pong table and that I am ungrateful and an awful person. Their son gave up so much for me. I should be grateful. I try to run away. I’m so confused. I run outside. I see my car, at least what I assume is my car. I want to get in but the car is wrecked. I adjust the seat and get inside. I have a choice – up or down the mountain. I go down – I want to get away.

A huge train of motorcycles passes me, flashing their brights. I have on mine and I didn’t know it. I pull over and ask for help working my lights. I’m hungry – starving. Then I see my brother, he’s injured. I scream and run to him – he needs a hospital. I ask him where one is. He says across the mountain side in the small ghost town. I say I will take him there – he says no, he has to stay for the battle. Right then a giant red robot appears and begins to crush everything. People are screaming. I tell my brother nothing bad with happen. I use myself as a shield to protect him – the robot is going to kill us. Then a giant spider appears. She uses her web to subdue the robot.

[I wake up again]

Honestly, I think I need to stop … hell, none of this even makes sense. If I were dreaming about something normal then maybe I could be like “Oh too much sugar for me” or something along those lines…

friend like me

Good news, I don’t like any songs by the Jonas Brothers. I was very worried for a few hours this afternoon. Luckily it’s by some band called, Owl City.

Then again … at least the Jonas Brothers are Jewish…?

[Basically I am going to have to write this one off as a complete and utter fail]

In other news,  I was discussing today the trashiest Disney kids. Here’s my top 5:

1. Lindsey Lohan

2. Vanessa Hudgens

3. Miley Cyrus

4. Noah Cyrus

5. This one’s hard … so I’ll make it interactive! Which one do you think is most trashy?

Tucker Chris gets “lucky”?

My friend Chris and I:

Tucker Max and Miss Vermont:

Chris has decided to be Officer Dangle from Reno 911. He has even gone as far to procure handcuffs and a stun gun. This is awesome.

…but will it ensure him getting laid on Halloween? Or at least free drinks and phone numbers?

Surely.

…as many as if he has a name tag that says, “Hello my name is Tucker Max” and is surrounded by drunk girls?

Not even close.

sex > relationships ≠ love

“small talk“ is that socially awkward yet required conversation before someone discloses their true intentions.

IE:

Boy: Hey there. Nice weather we’re having

Girl: Yep. It’s nice. I like the sun.

Boy: So… all this nice weather makes me want to go for a walk. Wanna join me?

Girl: Okay

Of course what are the true motives behind this conversation? Sex. The boy wants to have sex with the girl. That’s all there is too it. He can’t even help it.

That’s why I don’t understand this whole ritualistic form of “dating”. It’s basically a dowry, except you aren’t paying the parents … in most cases. You take a girl to dinner, to the movies, for a walk in the park. Then after a few “dates” you establish whether or not the pair of you are compatible (do you have the same interests? likes and dislikes? opinions in religion and politics.) If you decide in favor of this, you will continue to see each other.

Of course social norms dictate that there are rules to dating and if they are not followed a successful relationship may not ensue. Do you kiss on the first or second date? Do you wait longer?

Dating is a game of cat and mouse. It’s foolishness that could easily be avoided if both parties merely stated their intentions. This conversation could be accomplished in the same amount of time as the example given above.

IE:

Boy: I find you physically attractive and I potentially want to have to sexual relations with you.

Basically you only need one sentence in which to state your intentions in a clear and honest way.

In short, dating is not necessary for any reason, other then fulfilling society’s need for close minded tradition that promoted monogamy.

*This scenario also works when you switch gender roles. Females are entirely capable of being the dominant pursuer

“Eat healthy but always have a decadent dessert.” -Barbie

Sorry Playboy, there’s a new house in town. Barbie’s real life Malibu Mansion.

The house was designed earlier this year to celebrate 50 years of Barbie … and of course to try and boost sales.

Despite harsh competition with Bratz dolls, Barbie continues to be the best selling toy worldwide. Of course if a material world, having over-all sales isn’t ever good enough.

Set for release later this year is a newly remade Barbie that is sure to delight the souls of young girls nationwide. A flexible Barbie!

Wait … I had a Barbie that did that back when I was like, I don’t know … six? This isn’t new at all.

Then again, if corporations thought of new ideas we wouldn’t have all those lame Disney sequels that go straight to DVD.

So what’s really different about this doll? I have no idea … sure she has 12 joints (Bratz will soon be released with 14 – ouch.) and new clothes … but what will really set this Barbie apart from her competitors?

Probably nothing … but hey, at Barbie will always be skinny, hot and never need a man to feel validated in life. Talk about a role model. Sign me up.

And to all the Barbie haters out there… I’m sorry you’re ugly.

sex? no thank you!

In most, if not all public schools, abstinence is the only form of sexual education provided. It is feared that any form of safe-sex teaching will encourage young teens to engage in pre-marital sex.

Now I will be the first to  admit I am not savvy in the knowledge of viewing of pornographic films. Having viewed very few (less then five), one of those that I have been privy too, I can honestly say that it portrayed the idea of sex in such a way that I began to dry heave at the general sight. I was unable to stop until the video has been removed from the screen and I was able to drink a glass of water and take a few deep cleansing breaths.

Taking this into account, I believe it is fair to say that rather then criticizing the porn industry and hiding it from our children we should embrace it. Instead, encourage your children to view such videos. Surely the explicit images are no worse then that of today’s realistic and graphic video games and will without a doubt deter teens from wanting to engage in such revolting and socially unbecoming behavior.

A simple Google search will provide such a plethora of adult films both professional and personal that after viewing one or two a day for a month straight I believe 99% of teens would become violently ill from even the concept of sex.

If this is too shocking an idea for you, perhaps try posting large pictures of sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs) all around your home will have similar results.

room 205

crazy? crazy! i was crazy once,

they put me in a rubber room, i bounced off the walls…

i died there,

they buried me,

and worms crawled out my nose!

crazy? crazy! i was crazy once,

real subtle my friend

Cleavage is a powerful tool. It can be used for good or bad.

Good – Getting free drinks

Bad – Smothering people

Good – They protect my rib cage

Bad – Being groped

Basically there is no reason to have boobs. Yes yes, there’s whole feeding your young thing. I don’t have young. I don’t know if I ever plan to have young. So, what are they good for?

I am constantly battling with myself with my cleavage. It’s a love hate relationship that never ends.

In the end, it really comes down to the fact that I would probably complain if I didn’t have them. I used too … like freshman year when Brad would call me A-cup.

C’mon, people pay lots of money for these things … I thought about it when I was younger. That I might get implants if they never grew. Now that would have been a wasted investment.

http://www.savethetatas.com/