eat me cause i’m good and dead

My mom is always sending me funny little forwards … well this has to be my favorite

feline wars

Veto Kitty

Veto is a small black cat with white whiskers. She has big yellow eyes and little white gloves on all of her feet. She’s about two years old. Veto is an elitist. She doesn’t really like our other cats, Nash Bridges, Sweet-heart and Sweetie-pi. She wrestles with Nash but for the most part ignore all members of the family except for me.

This is Obie!

Obis is four years old and around 14 to 15 pounds. He’s an orange tabby that I adopted from the Humane Society and his giant golden eyes are almost too big for his body. Obie was until recently banished by the other cats to one area of the house – my dad’s office. The second day of living here he peed on my feet (while I was laying bed) and after screaming and asking why he would do such a thing we sort of had a falling out. It’s been a few months now, and the girls are getting used to him. Sometimes they still stand at the entrance of the laundry room so he can’t go in to use the cat box, or if he makes eye contact with them they’ll smack him across the face … but things have definitely improved.

My room for the most part is Veto’s territory. Dillon’s room is for Sweet-heart. She loves him possibly more then life itself. She’ll wait for him to come in, to go to bed … she just waits and stares at him. It’s gotten to the point that sometimes he won’t let her in there because she creeps him out. Sweet heart is a pale calico with grays, browns and whites.

Nash Bridges usually lurks in my parents room or the living room. She’s a giant fluffy blonde cat with green eyes. She’s like the Marilyn Monroe of cats. Her favorite thing to do is watch bugs and t.v. She’s oddly observant and will stare for hours at small bugs. The best way to find out if there is a bug in the house is to watch Nash. She won’t eat it, or do anything … she’ll just watch it.

Sweetie-Pi is Sweet heart and Nash’s mom. She hates them both. She basically hates everyone. When she was a baby she was taken away from her mother too soon so we can only imagine this psychologically damaged her young soul. Sweetie-Pi’s about, 13 years old now? She’s become nicer with age, at least to people.

So I’m laying here uploading Sims 3 onto my MAC and Obie comes in and lays on my bed. This is all well and good until Veto walks in. Immediately I see the look of betrayal in her eyes. She stops after taking only a few steps into my room. She turns and looks at herself in my floor length mirror, she looks back to me, then to Obie. She walks over, waiting for me to kick Obie out. I don’t. I tell her she needs to share, and I tell Obie that he needs to be nice. He moves from up near my chest to down by my feet. I pick Veto up and set her besides me. She screams and hisses and kicks at me. She jumps off the bed and stands, facing away from me.

Odds are, she’ll probably throw up on my face while I sleep… fml.

amanda defined

5 words. 5 photos.

Humorous

Competitive

Amorous

Lustful

Dramatic

you fail like tim tebow

Target has Gingerbread kits for sale for $8. This is the basic “Build a Gingerbread house”. Obviously I failed. It’s more like the Gingerbread crack den

define, “love”

Boyfriends are so high school.

I prefer relationships without the title, the commitments and any of that talk about feelings. One or two drunken confessions aside, it’s best to avoid such talk by following up those thoughts with a stiff drink … or other such, things …

smitten

I’m sorry, but does anyone else find this boy to be gorgeous and adorable? He’s just so freaking happy that I can’t help but smile at this picture

TuckerChris gets “lucky”? [Cont.]

Follow up to Halloween and Tucker Max.

Chris decided to give it a try – why not try being Tucker Max? Well – it worked. Ironically more males then females tended to like this costume. Chris was asked to take photos with people, he was high fived and random men bought him drinks.

Chris & I

Chris & Shannon

The Three of us

an homage

Shannon’s leg

My leg

The three of us plan to go out this weekend. Perhaps further exploiting the name, Tucker Max. To be honest, I’m not sure who likes it more … Shannon or me?

…salad fingers?

I love the ability to lock text messages on my phone. My dear friend Shannon told me recently that I will probably run out of space in my inbox if I continue at my current rate of … locking them. I will now share with you the truly gorgeous and rare gems that have graced my inbox. << I have corrected spelling on a few of these and added capitalization. Otherwise these remain as they are in my phone.

: Yes. the 30th. And no my dear, it is not. I might make drunken bears. Half gallon of rum or vodka poured into a tub of gummy bears, mixed with juice concentrate. Over a span of about a week, they soak it up and fuck your soup up upon consumption. Genious!

:Nick told me that he was bi yesterday and I didn’t believe him. I made him say it like twenty times. Then it was kinda awkward. Then I asked him how I looked.

:Hahaha. I’m picturing the waving arms, like something yoshi would do just before plummeting down a pipe. Butt raping? That does not seem like appropriate dinner procedures. Or it might be somne kinky dinner fantasty thing going on. Whateves…

:Hahaha. Probably encircle the terrorbeast. Safety in numbers. Like the elephants do. Drunk, wasted, 45 year old gross douche in a way too tight Affliction shirt, elephants.

:Just saw a kid run past a car, just as someone inside opened the door. Knocked the kid flat on his ass. I told him he took the hit like a champ.

:I don’t know! All of a sudden someone said “Heil Hitler” in a German accent and at first I was like, “GRANDMA?” and then it was some trick or treater.

:Good. I like wearing slaughtered baby animals on my feet.

:One of your friends did some weird message thing on the bottom so I signed off the chat thing and didn’t look to see what he said for fear of learning you murdered someone with your pantlessness.

:You always did use a lot of ‘H’ when it didn’t belong…

:I have to go shoot myself in the throat from depression.

:That’s gayer than 5 guys fucking 6.

:Hahaha. Well don’t drinkj the water or eat spaghetti in Mexico, don’t fling coins at strippers in (Canada), don’t die of heat in the Caribbean, don’t yell at French people in English and definitely don’t give money to gypsies in Italy, and always have an umbrella in England.

So this brings us to today’s text message. I feel like this text is the giant blue diamond that Abu touches in the Cave of Wonders that then brings it crashing down trying to kill poor Aladdin. Greedy monkey…

:I want to butter bill clinton like a biscuit and take a bite.

Speaking of food. I am not going to finish consuming my pizza from dinner last night. Entitled a Greek pizza. It’s really nothing more in then feta cheese on tasty crunchy bread. There were tomatoes and spinach and olives… but I hate tomatoes and I really can’t taste the other two things.

*Uggs kill the entire sheep to make their shoes.

dreams in digital

You know how you have the best dream ever and then you go back to sleep in hopes that it will continue? I did that and it turned into the worst dream ever and was not at all related to the previous dream.

Best Dream Ever:

I walk into a modern office building. Everything is chrome and gray and white. Most people would find it unnerving. I think it’s soothing. It’s my first day at a new job. I walk upstairs, my first task is a meeting. I sit down at the table. I have a pen and paper out. I debate on setting up my Mac but seeing no one else with a computer I decide against it. There are cups of coffee in front of everyone. I drink a bit. I feel my eyes widen. I never drink coffee.

Right then the boss walks in. Steve Carell walks in. He sits down, surveys the room. I have my pen poised to write whatever he says down. He glances around. By this point I have consumed about half of my coffee – I don’t know how.

“Whose going to get me more coffee?” he asks.

Without a second though I leap from the table, coffee mug in hand and I begin running. I’m not sure where I am running but suddenly the building is huge and I am running – never spilling any coffee. I am laughing and smiling as I run with the coffee. Steve Carell bounds after me, asking why I’m running. We laugh – we don’t know. We keep running, the office turns into a large mountain and we run through fields of flowers and happiness. Once away from the office he asks why I was running – I tell him he said he needed more coffee – I was going to get it for him. He laughs, I laugh.

[All right, I can see how this may not seem like the best dream ever... but I was so happy! I was just filled with joy. Hmmm.]

Worst Dream Ever:

Steve is gone. I am alone on the mountain. It’s deserted and dry. I’m wearing only underwear and my Halo shirt. I don’t know where I am or why I’m there. Suddenly I’m in a large house, a bathroom is just ahead of me. I go inside, I look like a train wreck. I don’t want to use the shower – this isn’t my house. I see a wash cloth – the most perfectly folded one I’ve ever seen. I debate using it. It’s perfect. I decide to wash my face, it’s hard to get the dirt and caked make up off. Then people start filling the bathroom. I ask who they are – they don’t answer. It’s like I don’t exist.

[I wake up ... then fall back asleep]

I’m at my ex boyfriend’s house. Sort of. No one is home. I’m still wearing the underwear and Halo shirt. I don’t know how I got there or why I’m there. I’m wearing socks. I skate through the house on the wood floors, I see his dog. I smile – I like her.

I see the bathroom is occupied – I want to get dressed. I have a pile of clothes in my purse. I don’t want to go into any rooms. I manage to put on shorts and another shirt. His dad walks out, followed by his mom. They tell me I broke their ping pong table and that I am ungrateful and an awful person. Their son gave up so much for me. I should be grateful. I try to run away. I’m so confused. I run outside. I see my car, at least what I assume is my car. I want to get in but the car is wrecked. I adjust the seat and get inside. I have a choice – up or down the mountain. I go down – I want to get away.

A huge train of motorcycles passes me, flashing their brights. I have on mine and I didn’t know it. I pull over and ask for help working my lights. I’m hungry – starving. Then I see my brother, he’s injured. I scream and run to him – he needs a hospital. I ask him where one is. He says across the mountain side in the small ghost town. I say I will take him there – he says no, he has to stay for the battle. Right then a giant red robot appears and begins to crush everything. People are screaming. I tell my brother nothing bad with happen. I use myself as a shield to protect him – the robot is going to kill us. Then a giant spider appears. She uses her web to subdue the robot.

[I wake up again]

Honestly, I think I need to stop … hell, none of this even makes sense. If I were dreaming about something normal then maybe I could be like “Oh too much sugar for me” or something along those lines…

friend like me

Good news, I don’t like any songs by the Jonas Brothers. I was very worried for a few hours this afternoon. Luckily it’s by some band called, Owl City.

Then again … at least the Jonas Brothers are Jewish…?

[Basically I am going to have to write this one off as a complete and utter fail]

In other news,  I was discussing today the trashiest Disney kids. Here’s my top 5:

1. Lindsey Lohan

2. Vanessa Hudgens

3. Miley Cyrus

4. Noah Cyrus

5. This one’s hard … so I’ll make it interactive! Which one do you think is most trashy?